I came to realize something tonight. It should have been obvious, obviously. Turns out that during the day, things aren’t so hard. I get to interact with people, work, take calls, go take the boys to practice or games. But at night. That is when the demons come out to play. I’m extremely thankful that I am not as bad as I was a month ago. A month ago I may have decided to say screw it and go back to drinking heavy liquor. But tonight, even though it was tempting, I didn’t.
Anyway, I’m a late-night person. I typically go to sleep anywhere from midnight to 2am. During those hours, I get the least amount of interaction with people. Most of my friends are asleep, and one person I would chat with I can’t anymore. So I get to think more. And today I really felt this sense of imposter syndrome. I couldn’t explain why I felt it, and I knew it was wrong, but I just felt like I am not a good friend. I try hard, and shit. With my drinking, I failed people. Lots of people. But deep down inside I know that I have always tried to be there for my friends and family, even through my failings. This is why I just don’t know why I was feeling like this today. I felt I made amends with those I hurt, even if that isn’t 100% fixed. I have tried hard to stop letting my lack of drinking affect my relationships since, to be honest, I was really leaning heavily on drinking to numb myself to everything.
So for now, I’m distracting myself with video games. I know for a fact I’m still alienating some people, but I need something. I need to distract myself until I feel I can stop relying on alcohol and move on. During the day too, I am trying really hard to throw myself into work by helping a friend with their company and trying to really focus on my job. Went to work Friday and I was so swamped I couldn’t finish everything.
I’m tired tonight so gonna end it here. L if you’re reading this, make sure you do a giveaway for that plant I paid you for 😀