So where to start. Depression is definitely no joke. When it comes down to the wire, I know I’m extremely depressed. Not suicidal at all, but I just can’t get over my emotions. And it’s been a whirlwind of emotions. Have my good days in my bad days, but honestly a lot of them are bad. It’s especially tough because I’m trying to do my best to be happy, and be there for everyone, but sometimes I just can’t handle it. For example, yesterday we were just talking about placing my brother’s remains. And that just triggered me for the entire day, and I still haven’t gotten over it. Later in the day yesterday, I went to the grocery store with the kids, and I just couldn’t handle it. I almost break down in a grocery store, I couldn’t breathe, and I felt like I was going to have to panic attack.
It’s even been affecting me with the music I listen to. A lot of music I listen to on Spotify is older music some is newer, but mostly old. And the problem is since the music is older it triggers me and makes me feel old. Then it makes me think about death. On top of all this, I see people that have families members that are close to dying. I see big name actors and actresses dying that I grew up watching. And it all makes me feel like everyone’s just ticking off one by one, and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I had hope that writing would really help me out, but I’m not sure if it really worked the way I wanted it to. When I first started writing this page, I had told a select number of friends, because I really wanted to show someone that I was really changing. But the problem is, at the end of the day I really think I was just overburdening them. They each have their own lives, and I kind of just feel like I was unloading on them and that was unfair to them.
This period of my life has been the most difficult ever. Some days I still find it hard to function, other days I’m at work and I can’t focus. Today I probably only worked about half of my shift really, because I just couldn’t put my hands on the keyboard and type. I’m not going to stop trying to be like this to move forward. But holy shit it is hard.