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Falling Down

So last night, I was just in a rut. So I ended up pouring a little bit of jack into my drink. I’d already had some beer, but last week has been hammering me mentally. For weeks I’ve had radio silence from two friends, one was in a facility to help get them back on their feet. They told me they’d check in every week because I’d been so worried for them, and they did that first week and they were super happy. then complete silence. nothing for a about month. Then work. Oh man, work has been one hell of a ride. Super busy, non-stop issues, and just go go go. I’m hoping it slows down but man, it’s tough when you have little to no breaks to breathe.

The really hard one this week was my FIL. He’s a great man, has helped us with countless things, but man when he starts talking about dying, he doesn’t let up. In his mind he’s here, but sometimes I think he’s already half-checked out because he feels so tired. He’s definitely up there in age. But with that conversation, it kinda triggered something in me. It felt like everything was crashing down at once and that sucks. I had already been drinking beer, oh and I also forgot, sleep deprivation too. We went out Friday night late, came back, baby wouldn’t let us sleep. I had to be up super early for the kids sports, then Saturday was another late night and daylight savings time was stripped away so I lost another hour of sleep. And the kids had more sports events to go to early Sunday.

So, hectic work week, kids have practice 4 days a week, games 2 days a week, terrible sleep, death talks… It’s a wonder I’m sane sometimes. It’s also tough because the number of people I can talk to dwindled. The main person I talk to, I can’t because I’ll trigger them. Another is radio silent. The other two have their own issues. So to be open and honest with people has been really hard since, and I’m not criticizing anyone here, they’re all busy. Or not talking to me. So here I am writing. I used to write here and see if the counts went up for people having read the page. It was interesting, cool, and sometimes my friends would respond, but with everything going on, I just stopped thinking about if people saw this and have been posting. I think this is turning more into a zen project when I have time. It’s my time for self-reflection because I definitely need to reflect. Anyway, I need to get back to work.

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