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Changes

I haven’t written anything in months, I was angry with everything for a bit. I was frustrated, still hurt overall with what happened over the last year, and honestly, just tired. Anger is such an exhausting emotion, especially when so much of it can consume your everyday thoughts. I won’t rehash it all, what’s the point? I will say that It took a long time, and more than a few side projects to finally just wear myself out so much that I gave up on being angry and frustrated.

Took a few more times falling off the bandwagon to really finally stop craving alcohol. I never understood how much i craved the numb feeling. I knew I did, but deep down I just didn’t want to feel anything. I wanted so badly to just numb myself to the world that never thought about how I affected all my loved ones. I had been doing ok recently but was still drinking a good amount of beer on weekends. Then one day, again falling off the bandwagon, I decided to have a little whiskey. Wouldn’t hurt anyone right? By the time I realized it, I had finished almost three-quarters of the 750ml bottle. wtf man? And I didn’t realize it until the next morning.

It was at that point, I realized, I really needed to cut it completely out. And since that day, that bottle has stayed at one-quarter. I haven’t wanted to have any at all. I have cut out almost every other time I drink. On weekends I would buy extra beer to have after finishing what my FIL would bring. I haven’t bought extra beer in weeks. It’s taken a massive amount of work on my side to really cut it out. Video games, intricate spreadsheets, kids sports, photography. All these things have been taking up more and more of my time. It doesn’t change what happened. It doesn’t bring him back, but god damnit, I can try to be the better person I used to be. Gotta restart one day at a time, restart one friendship at a time. Restart my life, one day at a time.

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